INTRODUCTION
I remember one time someone I knew was taking some very careless actions toward his own health, including disregarding doctor advice and refusing some important treatment. His wife was trying to convince him to change his mind, but he was resistant and set on following his own way, even though it was not good for him.
She was carrying a big weight of worry because he wouldn't listen and she couldn't convince him. But someone encouraged her with these words, "Don’t carry the guilt for this or his health, since he made his choice and is refusing, you are not responsible - you tried what you could. We are only called to peace. Now just pray, and leave it in God’s hands. That’s your job now, to pray."
Later she said that this was the word that helped carry her through that situation.
And I was reminded that we have such burdens for others... and that means we want to help them, but we will find that we cannot control them. We can't control others, but we can choose to lean on God, and pray, and place our trust for the others we are burdened for in His hands.
JESUS' EXAMPLE
I see this attitude in Jesus and Paul and the apostles - they exhorted people, but after a certain point they left it to the Holy Spirit to do the work which they could not do in the flesh (John 16:12, Eph 1:15-18).
Jesus said to His disciples, "I have many more things to say to you, but you cannot bear them now. But when He, the Spirit of truth, comes, He will guide you into all the truth..." (John 16:12-13)
Paul said to the Ephesians, "I pray that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened" (Ephesians 1:18)
The example I gave was regarding physical matters. But regarding spiritual matters, see how clearly Paul, and even Jesus didn't think they could manipulate people and do a work in the hearts of others with their efforts and words apart from the Holy Spirit's work.
Question: Why couldn't Jesus and Paul just tell the disciples what they needed to hear? Why couldn't they just explain it to them?
It's because it's a matter of LIFE in the heart, not INFORMATION in the mind. Spiritual life is inward, a matter of the will - dying to self, and gaining life in Jesus. Not a matter of “knowing more.” That’s why, for many, no matter how much truth is explained to them, they either don’t believe it or don’t care. Can you speak such great words that you can convince a dead person to get up and walk?! God has to do something that we can never do: give life; bring a change of heart to a person first.
In the parable of the sower the same seed was sown all over, but only on the good soil did it grow and endure (Mark 4:8). So much frustration can be avoided for the “sower” when we see that we cannot do the work. God Himself has to prepare a person’s heart (the soil) before any word can do any good.
Sometimes the work God does in a heart is through the breaking of a deep trial, sometimes through failure, sometimes through a revelation in some way, or witnessing the goodness of God and His love and kindness, or through the testimony of someone else's life. Sometimes it's a long work (like God did in Nebuchadnezzar to break him for 7 years), and sometimes just in a moment (like the thief on the cross). But either way - God has to do a work in the heart. It cannot be us. In the beginning - the Spirit was there, and God spoke, and then light and life came (Genesis 1:2-25). Where was man in all that? Nowhere!
OUR PART
So do we do nothing? No! We pray and TRUST GOD. And be patient. Our work is not manipulation and control, it's prayer and trusting the Lord, and only to act because He's leading us, not because we are trying to 'fix' somebody in our own power.
How many problems come because we try to compel and force people? Forcing them to change how we think they should, in the way we think. But Jesus was so trusting in the Father. He said that He preached to those who have “ears to hear” (Matthew 11:15). I believe Jesus emphasized that because He wasn’t trying in His own power (as a man) to do the work that He knew the Holy Spirit Himself had to do in the heart.
Hudson Taylor said: "I've learned to move man by prayer alone".
We exhort people when needed, and urge people we care for, and plead with them - with love. But if they won’t receive it - we have to leave it in God’s hands rather than push and fight and control. God has called us to peace: "If possible, so far as it depends on you, be at peace with all men" (Romans 12:18)
A QUESTION
But I’ve found this question comes: “But what if I’m supposed to be doing something or saying something God wants me to do for their good? What if I’m missing something, or neglecting something?” And I’m frantic that I’m not doing things right - that they may miss out because I haven't "done enough" to exhort them.
Here’s what the Lord has helped me with regarding this (I’ve struggled with this question a lot, personally):
The more we seek to be filled with the Holy Spirit and to put Him first and follow the Lord wholeheartedly - whatever I should speak or do for the sake of another one just flows out naturally, without any of the fretting and worrying “what should I do to move them?” "Seek first His kingdom and His righteousness [in your own personal life] and the rest will be added to you."
BEING FILLED WITH THE SPIRIT
We often talk in the church of the necessity of being filled with the Holy Spirit, and it’s sometimes easy to feel like it’s some abstract, far off truth that we don’t understand and so we can't imagine how it could change anything. This is so far from the truth! To be filled with the Holy Spirit is to have the Christian life that we are striving so much for just to “flow from us” in every area - having the clarity, the right word, the wisdom, boldness, peace, strength - every need just “flowing”. We have to seek the Lord with all our heart above everything else, and seek to be filled with the Holy Spirit - everyday, because every day has new needs.
The alternative is to labor in our own efforts, for our own will. A lot of what we think is good for someone, how do we even know what is good for them?! Constant badgering people is a form of trying to control them, nagging, complaining and arguing is a form of trying to control them, lashing in anger, giving a condescending look of disapproval and judgment, even sharing a Bible verse with the wrong spirit (condemnation, guilt, and threatening - rather than love) can be a form of trying to control them!
And all of this is the sin of unbelief on our part because we are trying to take situations into our own hands with others in our own way, rather than trusting God.
PERSONAL SITUATION - JUST TRUST GOD
One time I was talking to someone about the fear I had that another person would do something or cause something that would be very difficult. I was wondering, "What more should I do besides pray?" I asked a question to someone I trusted, "But what if this person does this?" And they said to me, "You need to TRUST the Lord." It was so simple... but it was like my eyes were opened in 1 second - I saw that all of my thoughts and plans about all I needed to do and say, and fears of 'What if' were: a lack of faith. It was plain and simple unbelief.
LOVE
One of the best things we can do for our own peace is to lift expectations off everyone else, looking to God alone.
We can’t decide how they act or treat us, but we can by God’s grace decide to love them and treat them right. Not even just for their sake but more importantly for the glory of God -
“...if anyone suffers as a Christian, he is not to be ashamed, but is to glorify God in this name.” (1 Peter 4:16)
We are living before His face alone, our business is mainly that He will get glory from our own life... placing no expectations that others have to change at all, but maintaining a hope for others that in God's time, He will do the work. For those within the boundary of our authority (e.g. our children), we do have to labor to correct and guide them. But we have to follow the Spirit regarding what to say and how to interact... without being frantic and 'exasperating' them (Col 3:21), or 'Lording it over' them (1 Pet 5:3). This is not controlling people, this is a labor of love for their eternal good in Jesus.
MAYBE IT'S THE LORD'S WILL
Someone we know may be in sin or out of the Lord's will. It may be affecting us, or others. Perhaps they won't listen to anyone, and in that case we have to leave it. But from our point of view, regarding ourselves and any affect it has on us, we have to consider: "Maybe it's the Lord's will to allow this."
Shimei threw rocks at David. David essentially said, "Maybe it's the Lord's will... so I will not fight" (2 Samuel 16:10).
For Shimei - definitely he was in sin. But for David - it was God's will for him to endure that faithfully. God didn't cause all the mess, but He allowed it, and David accepted it because of His faith - "God must be allowing this for a reason. Maybe it's for me, that I need this." If there are people in your life which you feel a burden from, or for; consider that it may be God's will for you to endure this faithfully for now, and give Him glory by how you respond to it.
CONCLUSION
Whatever I write here I'm also working to encourage myself with God's promises and His Word: Regarding the people we are burdened for (or burdened by!), we have to trust God. We do what we can from our part, but our hope completely has to lean on His ability, and not in our own endless efforts to force other people.
Trying to control other people like this is like trying to force open a flower before it is ready to bloom. God's way and His timing is better.
And regarding the meantime, it's a slavery to live life muddling through in discouragement and fear, concerning ourselves with what everyone else is doing or may do, feeling that we can never be happy in the Lord unless this other person changes. God wants us free from that. Seek the Lord to be delivered from that slavery!
One of the greatest lessons we can learn in this life before we leave this earth is that there is a fulfillment, joy and satisfaction in God and Christ alone, apart from anything else and anybody else (Psalm 73:25, Php 3:8) which is there for us to gain before Heaven.
Leave it to the Lord, and especially in His timing. Live before God's face alone in humility, carrying your own cross and humbly accepting every person that He decides should be in your life, along with all the difficulties that may come through them, and patiently bearing the burdens you have for them (Eph 4:2).
Be patient. Place it in God’s hands and rest.
Even when you feel that you can do nothing (like you are ‘asleep’ in the situation), remember that God is still working:
“It is vain for you to rise up early, To retire late, To eat the bread of painful labors; For He gives to His beloved even in his sleep.” Psalms 127:2